It’s a brand new year. And I’m welcoming it.
2016 was rough. Hell, the last few have been rough. I’ve been down to the bottom of my depths this year and completely enveloped in darkness and sadness. My depression and anxiety has overcome me totally and made it so hard to live. And I hate it. I hate it so much. I’ve never thought about suicide so much in my life than the past year and a half, and I do not want to. I am cynical, I am sarcastic, but there’s a line between that and being negative and spiralling out of control. I am tired of that. I need to make drastic, positive changes in my life. I need to be the better man, the better artist that I have promised others I could be. But I’m no longer doing that for them. This is for me. This is necessary.
The future for the overall world does not look bright, and it could be so easy to just sink into it as the world spins out of control and heads to potentially the darkest days we’ve seen in my own lifetime. It’s just one more thing.
But I’m not going to let it take me. I need to learn to fight again. I’ve been kicked for so long, so consistently for my entire life, my entire self is a giant flinch. I’m not going to flinch anymore. I’m going to kick back.
I am going to continue to be angry and sad and cynical. This will not change overnight. But I am not going to give in easily to those parts of me. I will use them to make positive change. I will use them to bring more light into my own world, and I hope, in passing, to the rest of the world too.
I’ll stumble. I’ll fall. I’ll pick myself up. But. But. I’m also going to need help. I’m not strong enough yet. Don’t think of me as weak, though. But please don’t turn your back on me. I’m not done.
I’m still here.