I’m a self-loathing narcissist. I hate myself, I think everything I do is awful, and a waste of everyone’s time. Over and over again, I am proven to be correct in this assessment. For the last month, I have been trying to sell my merchandise over my store with all proceeds intended to go to relief efforts in Puerto Rico. I did a (incredibly small) convention with the same intent. Overall, I have raised zero dollars. I don’t know why I continue to do these things. No one is looking, no one is paying attention, and if they are, they can see that I am not worth the effort, that nothing I do has any meaning.
I’m a self-loathing narcissist. I think I’m great. I have been drawing since I was 8 years old. I’ve had my bumps in the road, extended periods where I haven’t drawn or worked at all, and self-sabotaged any attempts to have a career in art. But I can say that in the last 5 years, my skills and talents as an illustrator have grown in leaps and bounds, and I will put my black and white work up to anyone and prove that I am just as good if not better than most. My work is top-notch and people don’t deserve the work I put into my best efforts.
I’m a self-loathing narcissist. For the last 2 years, 9 months and 27 days I have posted daily artwork – sometimes more than once a day. It may not all be great work, but it is work and it has helped me become a better artist and given me one outlet in my in which I can practice discipline and have a modicum of control. I am on consecutive day 1,000 of this sketch-a-day experiment/experience/torture/insanity/nightmare. Back in 2011, I started Sketch-a-Day 1.0. I went for a year and 4 days. I stopped and in that time, I was unproductive and lost. In 2013, I started Sketch-a-Day 2.0. I went for just under two years, and only stopped to focus on a bigger project and only paused for a few months. In 2015, I started Sketch-a-Day 3.0. In that time, I painted, I learned how to draw digitally, I began volunteering with the developmentally disabled and learning new forms of arts and crafts through them. I suffered multiple nervous breakdowns, sunk deeper into a very dark depression of which I am still engulfed. I lost the greatest love of my life, utterly and completely destroyed and shattered by her. I lost my family, I’ve lost friends. I lost a sense of purpose. I lost a light.
The only thing I have is this.
I’m a self-loathing narcissist. I hate myself and want to die.
I’m a self-loathing narcissist. I am fucking great and deserve better.
I’m a self-loathing narcissist and I’m still here. And I’ll still be here, hard as it may be at times – for you and for me.